#Trust30 Day 25 - Overcoming false expectations

Good and bad are but names very readily transferable to that or this; the only right is what is after my constitution, the only wrong what is against it. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

We are our most potent at our most ordinary. And yet most of us discount our “ordinary” because it is, well, ordinary. Or so we believe. But my ordinary is not yours. Three things block us from putting down our clever and picking up our ordinary: false comparisons with others (I’m not as good a writer as _____), false expectations of ourselves (I should be on the NYTimes best seller list or not write at all), and false investments in a story (it’s all been written before, I shouldn’t bother). What are your false comparisons? What are your false expectations? What are your false investments in a story? List them. Each keep you from that internal knowing about which Emerson writes. Each keeps you from making your strong offer to the world. Put down your clever, and pick up your ordinary.—Patti Digh

If I were to rewrite the first sentence of this prompt, I would remove the word ordinary and in its place use the word authentic, because in this context, ordinary is far from ordinary. However, I do understand what she is saying—that we should harness the power of our uniqueness. There is absolute scarcity in the competition to be us (since there is only one) and therefore, the gifts we bring to the world carry great value.

The disease of comparing ourselves to others is a dangerous malady. It is human nature, but it can be deadly. We all do it. I am guilty. From time to time, I catch myself comparing myself to:

1. People with successful websites, who have written books or have been able to promote their online businesses better than I have.
2. My brother, who is a successful farmer. He has found exactly what he wants to do in life.
3. Other coffee authors. I often wonder about the wisdom of writing about coffee. There are many sites and many books that have been written about the industry. Why would anyone bother to read something that I write?
4. When I was at music school, I compared my guitar skills to those of my classmates and many of my professors. Those comparisons drove me out of school.
5. I compare myself to people who have thousands and thousands of “followers” on Twitter or who have built up engaged, active communities online. Those people are “successful” in social media.
6. I compare myself to entrepreneurs who have a talent and a special drive for creating businesses. They seem fearless in selling themselves or their ideas.
7. I compare myself with people who have put up websites and had remarkable success very quickly. Their stories are encouraging, but at the same time frustrating because I compare myself to them. I would prefer to find success quickly, but I am receiving the valuable lesson of perseverance.

These expectations and comparisons may be false, but they are real. The challenge is remembering they are not true.

When we are able to accept who we are, when we are comfortable in our own skin, we can just be. Not many people can  do that, but the state of mind is worth aiming for. It is what makes our “ordinary” exceptional. 

#Trust30 Day 24 - Intuition

The secret of fortune is joy in our hands. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you could picture your intuition as a person, what would he or she look like? If you sat down together for dinner, what is the first thing he or she would tell you? –Susan Piver

My intuition might be a scribe, pen in hand. Never stop writing, you will find your voice, he would say.

My intuition might be an eagle. Spread your wings, and you will soar.

My intuition could look like a younger, more-in-shape version of myself. Go for a run and then hit the weight room, you’ll feel stronger, ready to take on the world.

Perhaps my intuition looks like a wizened old man, full of wisdom beyond my years. Choose your path carefully but with enthusiasm. Life goes quickly.

My intuition might look like Batman. Drop what you’re doing and start fighting for the underdog.

Intuition might look like Kurt Russel, playing Wyatt Earp. You called down the thunder? Well now you’ve got it. Skin that smoke wagon, and get to work.

Intuition might look like Dante Alighieri, or Leo Tolstoy. Write about injustice with passion, so those who committed it will be forever remembered for their misdeeds.

My intuition might look like Frank Sinatra. You’ve got to get up on that stage and sing, man.

Most likely, though, my intuition would look like….me.  Don’t settle, don’t ever settle, he would say, your struggle will be worth it.

#Trust30 Day 23 – The Courage to Connect

Men imagine that they communicate their virtue or vice only by overt actions, and do not see that virtue or vice emit a breath every moment. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Who is one person that you’ve been dying to connect with, but just haven’t had the courage to reach out to? First, reflect on why you want to get in touch with them. Then, reach out and set up a meeting. –David Spinks

As you might have read a time or two over the last three weeks, I want to write a book about coffee in Portland (one reader pointed out that I have mentioned writing a book about fifteen times). No book about coffee in this town would be complete without the story of Stumptown, and to get that story, I need to talk to Duane Sorenson, the founder of the company. I have not yet summoned the courage to ask him for an interview, but I will. Soon.

#Trust30 Day 22 - Get excited about work

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Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.” is a great line from Emerson. If there’s no enthusiasm in what you do, it won’t be remarkable and certainly won’t connect with people on an emotional basis. But, if you put that magic energy into all of your work, you can create something that touches people on a deeper level. How can you bring MORE enthusiasm into your work? What do you have to think or believe about your work to be totally excited about it? Answer it now. –Mars Dorian

When I believe the following are a part of my work, I get pretty excited about it.

1. Responsibility. And a healthy dose of it. If I am working for someone else, I want them to trust me to do the work well. Because I will.
2. Creativity. The work needs to have a creative element. If I have the opportunity to entertain people or make them laugh in the process, even better.
3. Learning. I want to always be learning new things and be challenged to grow my skills.
4. Unconventionality. The work is somehow unconventional (“you do what?”).
5. Importance. The work has a greater mission beyond getting the day-to-day work done.
6. Financially Rewarding. If it pays well, that doesn’t hurt either.

For the most part, I bring quite a bit of enthusiasm to my work. I find that I am most satisfied when I “do the work” and do not let myself procrastinate or get distracted with other things (like being sucked into the news/blog/Facebook vortex). To bring even more enthusiasm to work, I could add more stories about travel and seeing new places. That would definitely get me excited. You might have to suffer through a lot of wordy posts if I were talking about traveling all the time, but if I could make a decent living doing that, WOW!!!

What gets you excited about your work?

Trust30 Day 21 - Making decisions

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Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind. Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

We live in a society of advice columns, experts and make-over shows. Without even knowing it, you can begin to believe someone knows better than you how to live your life. Someone might know a particular something better – like how to bake a three-layer molten coconut chocolate cake or how to build a website – but nobody else on the planet knows how to live your life better than you. (Although one or two people may think they do.) For today, trying asking yourself often, especially before you make a choice, “What do I know about this?” - Jen Louden

Who would know better than me how to live my life? Many people are taught that the best way to make it through life is to fit in and not stand out from the crowd. I was never taught this. Around my house, the advice was always “you need to be a leader” or “don’t let them push you into doing what everyone else is doing.” This advice was repeated many times while I was growing up and it led me to seek out my own path in life. For the most part, the strategy has worked out well.

The point all of these posts based on Emerson’s Self-Reliance is to encourage us to be more, well, self-reliant (insightful, I know). We are encouraged to trust in ourselves and our capabilities. I like the idea, though I would say that it is important to not become so self-reliant that we completely isolate ourselves from the community of people around us.

In practice, how could a person follow the advice in today’s prompt? How could you become more willing to make your own decisions? A step-by-step process might go something like this:

1. You realize that you have a decision coming up that you are going to have to make. It’s a big one, so you are scared about making the wrong choice.
2. If your first reaction is to think, “Oh, sh--. I’ve got to call R. and see what he thinks,” that could be a sign that you are too dependent on others for help with decisions. When you reach for your phone, stop! Put it down. Give yourself a day to think about it before making the call.
3. Get out a piece of paper and a pen. Write the decision down in question form, e.g., “Why should I take that job offer in another city?”
4. Write down some possible answers, plus pros and cons or whatever else comes to your mind. The act of writing is good for helping you clarify your thoughts and you will be able to revisit your initial reaction at a later time.
5. If you find it difficult to wait until the next day to ask for help, do something to take your mind off your decision. Go get some exercise. Exercise, even something as low-intensity as walking, gets the blood flowing to your brain and gives your subconscious a chance to sort things out.
6. After a day has passed, and you have sorted out your own thoughts, then it’s time to ask others what they think. They may end up trying to persuade you to do what they think is right, but at least you came into the discussion more prepared.
7. By the time you get to this point, you should have a good sense of what your decision is. Trust yourself—you’re right.

In these types of decisions, you could also ask yourself, “What don’t I know about this?” Once you determine what you don’t know, then you know what else you need to know before you can make your decision, you know?  

The whole process of fostering self-reliance is about building trust in yourself and your capabilities, and trust is not built in a single act. It is built up over time. Start making small decisions for yourself to give yourself confidence for bigger decisions. After you get used to making smaller decisions, you will have more confidence in your own abilities in the future.

When faced with a life decision, where do you seek advice? Friends, parents, spouses, Google? How do you decide when to shun the advice of others and make a decision based on what is inside you?

#Trust30 Day 20 - Speaking Less

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What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know I. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I once received a fortune cookie that read: “Speak less of your plans, you’ll get more done.” What’s one project that you’ve been sitting on and thinking about but haven’t made progress on? What’s stopping you? What would happen if you actually went for it and did it? - Laura Kimball

In addition to all of the other things I have been writing about for the #Trust30 challenge, one thing I want to do is find more readers for this blog. I have been working pretty hard to keep up on the writing, and I would like to find more people to read it. I need to create more connections with other people, and not be so afraid to promote what I am doing here

Besides trying to increase readership, I also want to change the blog’s design a little to make it more readable and useful. I have seen some pretty good blogs out there that serve as good models, and I could borrow some of their ideas.

The number one thing slowing me down right now is time management. I am writing a lot these days, and administrative things like design get pushed back. They are “important but not urgent” (another Stephen Covey reference), and I tend to work on urgent matters first.

Therefore, in honor of the prompt (“speak less”), I’m going to cut this post short and go try to get something done. Good night, and we'll see each other tomorrow.

#Trust 30 Day 19 – Facing our fears

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Greatness appeals to the future. If I can be firm enough to-day to do right, and scorn eyes, I must have done so much right before as to defend me now. Be it how it will, do right now. Always scorn appearances, and you always may. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Trusting intuition and making decisions based on it is the most important activity of the creative artist and entrepreneur. If you are facing (and fearing) a difficult life decision, ask yourself these three questions:

1) “What are the costs of inaction?” I find it can be helpful to fight fear with fear. Fears of acting are easily and immediately articulated by our “lizard brains” (thanks Seth) e.g. what if I fail? what if I look stupid? If you systematically and clearly list the main costs of inaction, they will generally overshadow your immediate fears.

2) “What kind of person do I want to be?” I’ve found this question to be extremely useful. I admire people who act bravely and decisively. I know the only way to join their ranks is to face decisions that scare me. By seeing my actions as a path to becoming something I admire, I am more likely to act and make the tough calls.

3) “In the event of failure, could I generate an alternative positive outcome?” Imagine yourself failing to an extreme. What could you learn or do in that situation to make it a positive experience? We are generally so committed to the results we seek at the outset of a task or project that we forget about all the incredible value and experience that comes from engaging the world proactively, learning, and improving our circumstances as we go along. - Dan Andrews

I can see how these questions would be useful when trying to make a big decision. They help us place our fears inside a larger perspective. Most of the time when we confront our fears, we will find that although they are real, they are also irrational.

To answer the first question, the cost of failing to act is usually going to be greater than that of acting and failing, so it is better to go for it than to sit back and let fear paralyze us. Unfortunately, this intellectual knowledge does not always translate into action.

I am just about to finish a novel titled When Nietzsche Wept, written to teach some of Nietzsche’s philosophies. One of the book’s protagonists, Josef Breuer, tells Nietzsche that in order to change a person’s behavior, he or she must be touched by something much deeper than intellectual knowledge. Nietzsche abhors the suggestion that people are persuaded by something as frivolous as emotion, but he ultimately concedes that Breuer is right. Being affected at an emotional level is necessary to spur action inside us. Why are we like this? I’m not sure. It is just how humans are. If we remember this about ourselves, we have a much better chance of overcoming our fears.

The second question is useful to help take a long-term view of our actions. It is a legacy question. Chris Guillebeau suggests that as we make decisions about what we want to do with our lives, one of the first questions should be “what do I want my legacy to be?” The kind of person we are is going to reflect on our legacy.

With tomorrow being Father's Day, the question makes me think of my father and my grandfather, both of whom have worked hard all of their lives to leave a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They have been unselfish with their time, giving much to their community and their families. Because of this, both of them are well-respected and looked up to by many, including this son/grandson.

The third question is there to remind us to be flexible as we bump along in life. We cannot be too wedded to the perfect outcome that exists in our mind, because it is so difficult to predict the future.

A friend of mine tells the story of how he once got fired from a job, and it turned out to be a great thing because he was forced to start something new. The new path led him to some great successes and he would not be where he is today if he hadn’t been fired. One of the most tired clichés in the English language is “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade,” but there is a lot of truth in it. We can’t expect to know exactly the consequences of all our decisions when we make them, so we have to be prepared to change.

When I fall on my face, one way I can “generate a positive alternative outcome” would be to share the story with others, so that they might not repeat the same mistakes I have made. Our collective knowledge is so much more complete than any one individual’s knowledge, and it would be my goal to add to this knowledge.

Together, the three questions seem like a useful way to face our fears. Hopefully, the next time I am faced with a big decision, they will help me keep my irrationality under control, because irrational fears can get out of proportion and create much more angst inside us than they should.